I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
