she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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