Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
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