margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
I have surprise drugs for everyone
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
