whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
I'm passing your future prison.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
