Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
