I'm gonna have a badass scar
***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Randomize
