a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I need water and some morals
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
