My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
