Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
Randomize
