I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
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