Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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