He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
