dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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