nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
