I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
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