I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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