Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
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