Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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