i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
Just puked most of my soul out..
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
