I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
Randomize
