im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
