I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
