I met the friendliest cop last night
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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