Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
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