I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize