Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Randomize