I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
And then the night went full on bisexual.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
