Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
