I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Randomize
