Go to google and type XXX
.......Is that how you look for porn?
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Randomize
