Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
