haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Randomize
