i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
