Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
