I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
