We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
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