I faked an abortion last night.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Randomize
