My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
