dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Randomize
