I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
