Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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