i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Randomize
