just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
Randomize
