i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Randomize
