all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize
