If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
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