the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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