Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
