why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
and she was petting her beer can
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Randomize
