I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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