you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
