my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
