The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I don't deserve a penis
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
