hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Randomize
