i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
It's 3am, i just got back from ht e bars and registered for classes larteeeeee. History of baseball at 8am? at least ill meet the only stragiht gusy at NYU!
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Randomize
