We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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