Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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