to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
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