we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
i may or may not be watching the land before time
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Randomize
