so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Randomize
